The Melarky Legacy - Chapter 3 - It's Not Purgatory Without Suffering Forever

 

Welcome back to the Melarky Legacy, where Adam is having a cute moment teaching his daughter music.

Adam: "Alright, let's go over the last half of the verse....believe me, sweetie, I got enough to feed the needy, no need to be greedy, I got mad friends with Benz's, C notes by the layers, true da life players..." 

Zina: "Daddy, I was playing Tupac!" 

I think Javier's regretting his life already. 

Javier: "If you think my rusty ass is gonna raise 10 generations of 10 kids each, you gotta another thing coming." 

He's always the first one to respond to a needy baby, though. 

I think you like it more than you're letting on...

Javier: "Well, I guess this is the only way I'll have children of my own. Even if they aren't mine." 

That's the spirit. 

Oh, Mcdogald's still here, of course. 

Mcdogald: "Hmm, I shud write me own book!"

What, a 300-page novel full of barks? 

Mcdogald: "Better than sum o' tae slop sold todeh!"

Eh, I can't fault you there. 

Javier: "Time for a spot of lunch. *deep throats a pipe*"

Of all the animations they could have gone with. O_O

Oh, we got another Easter gnome. What are they called? Butterfuck Buttertooth? Something like that. I named it Arizona. 

Why do you hoes always spawn out of the woodwork when a sim gets married?

Mcdogald: "Ook! Cae one o' ya bleedin' bollocks feed meh fer once?!" 

YOUR BOWL IS FULL, YOU DUMBASS DOG.

Oh, we hit another milestone. 

But then the game suddenly got a bit fucky. 

Lag exponentially increased and we started getting Error Traps galore involving the babies. 

Adam, if you could quit Bethesda-ing into the wall and your son, that'd be swell.

Sims would get stuck in doorways and the babies would glitch out and respawn in other rooms. 

Javier sustained an injury when he welded into the door. 

Javier: "Can someone take this infant and get a saw to free me?" 

I thought making the nursery bigger would fix the Route Fail, but soon the world wouldn't even load. I spend a whole day trying to figure out what the hell was going on. I factory reset my Sims 3 folder, I cleaned the save, I deleted cache files. I thought this legacy was already borked. 

Then I downloaded Delphy's mod conflict checker and found out some rogue CC had corrupted. Removing it fixed the game and I could load the world. 

Well, that was freakin' annoying. Hello, again.

Adam: "If that baby keeps crying, I'm gonna get my belt."

Sim Jesus Christ, Adam! 

"I'll make her wear it and she'll look really silly because it's too big for her!" 

I remodeled the house, turning the bathroom into a hallway and adding it at the end, as well as giving Javier his own room. I also put in an Alchemy bench and planting rug for Alchemy ingredients. 

Emilie: "Hi, I still exist. Just me, barefoot and pregnant." 

You're wearing shoes and are currently not pregnant. 

Oh, before I forget. I did build a styling salon, though I'd remove the spa because it was interfering with the Community Lot specification for Salon. I figured Emilie would be a stylist so she can fix the fashion atrocities of this town. 

Omg, thank you for telling me something I've known for 10 years, game!

We got a dog gnome! This is Alaska. 

I have the "more interactions with babies" mod so Javier gives Xavier/Vincent a sink bath. No, I can't tell the difference. 

Careful now, don't let your hands rust and give the child tetanus. 

Stray Dog: "Oh won't a family adopt me like you've adopted Mcdogald. I'm an old dog looking for love. Please call the number on your screen so Sarah McLachlan will rescue me." 

Sorry, we need the space for kids. 

"In the arrrrrms of the annn--"

Stop it!

Emilie: "I need to get in my squats to keep this fine ass in tappable shape!" 

Active sims. *eyeroll*

Cherie: "I'm extra fun to eat ice cream off of! Tee hee!" 

Aren't you an elder now?

Cherie: "I'M STILL SEXY DAMMIT"

Not interested.

OMG WILL YOU HOES GET A LIFE

Adam: "I'm such a playaaaaa~" 

Remember to always get your Flirty sims spayed and neutered!

The Z twins play with their IFs for hours. 

Zina: "Peanut is so much better than your friend, brother!"

Zachary: "Nuh uh, Boinky would totally beat up your friend!" 

Why are y'all hoarding babies in here?

Javier: "Babies need baths."

They've taken to sink bathing them rather just simply changing their diapers. 

Guess what?

Birthday time. Aren't you excited! *yawn*

Vincent/Xavier goes first.

Please don't be a clone...

Thought I selected an option to purge that horrible green puke hair. 

Xavier/Vincent: "Why do I look like a girl?" 

Patience, I'll make you over in a minute. Let's grow up your brother.

The other brother is completely bald. So far, they aren't clones. That's a good sign. Got some competition for heirs!

Oh God, I'm not looking forward to the IF spam. Seems like every single baby has gotten an IF. I thought it was based on random chance?

Sometimes, Adam will have a freakout. I guess with a growing brood of kids, it's understandable.

Adam: "I'M A HAPPY AND DOTING FATHER"

"Aw this bleedin' ceke and yu caen't be buggered to giv meh any??" 

I delete the cakes after birthdays because then sims are just eating leftover cake for days and getting fat. 

You think I'm gonna bother with toddler skills for ten kids? Pfft. It's funnier to get bonkers traits anyway. 

Lol, nice bowl cut and pink jimjams, loser.

Zachary: "*derp eyes*"

Zina next...

Zina already demonstrates her Diva trait by not wearing pants outside.

"Pants are for squares and bears. *derp*"

What?

Zina: "I already grew up, dork." 

Zachary: "*party horns everyone deaf*"

Emilie goes to work as a stylist...in an outfit that not even an unhoused person would wear. 

Emilie: "See, by dressing down, clients won't be too miffed if I destroy their outfits!"

Sound logic.

Zina gets a makeover. 

"Gotta stunt on them hoes anyway I can."

Dear, you're 7, you shouldn't know what a hoe is. 

"Considering we still keep getting mail from town floozies for Dad, I very much know what a hoe is." 

Zachary: "As king of the Goblin Realm, I dub my jester as the Hand of the King."

Adam: "As the jester, meet my assistant, Jellyfish Bob, say hi, Jellyfish Bob! 'Hello, I'm a jellyfish!'"

Zachary: "...I hearby order my jester to be sent to bedlam for insanity." 

Adam sure is whacky. Am I sure I made him Childish and not Insane?

Oh, I forgot to show Zachary's makeover. Hmm...you sure you're not an Adam clone?

"The king refuses to dignify that with a response."

Oh, yeah, Emilie's pregnant again. 

Mcdogald: "Dun't worry, hooman, a'll yank it right oota ther!" 

Please don't give her a spontaneous hysterectomy. 

I had to quit the Stylist profession because it was broken, but the game wouldn't let Emilie reapply. Wow, sexist much? 

Finally, just joined the career through Nrass. 

Uncle Javier still dotes on the kiddies. Though, be careful, he's slipping through your chassis. 

"Eh, baby spit works just as well as WD-40."

Ewwwwww.

Emilie: "I feel disgusting, fat, and full of baby." 

Javier and Adam: "SYNCHRONIZE FREAKOUT!" 

Why did you get all fancy before giving birth?

"If I dress properly, I'll have proper babies!"

Not...sure if that works.

Meet baby Wade! He's Evil like his parents! 

Emilie: "See, it worked! A proper baby!"

Eh, if you say so.

Emilie immediately has Stylist work after birth, because I'm sick and tired of maternity leave. 

Um...what are you supposed to be? A triglyceride?

She gets a successful makeover.

Emilie: "I daresay I have more talents than spitting out babies!" 

Sometimes the kids get these thousand-yard stares. 

Zina: "I'm dissociating, pretending I'm not being forced to raise my own siblings." 

You literally just play with your IF all day. 

"I need a TLC show to reveal my family dysfunction."

NO.

Zachary finds better things to do, like soccer. 

"I wonder how hard I could punt a baby across a football field." 

Sure, why don't you go practice by kicking boulders really hard?

Adam; "Waiting for my BRATTY KIDS to get the fuck OUT OF MY WAY so I can use the TOILET!" 

Have you heard of the power of saying "excuse me?" 

Emilie continues to rock the fashion world.

Client: "My wife and kids say I look like I dress myself drunk. I totally do, but I don't want to look like it."

Behold! Lesbian rocker mom!

She only asked for a new hair color, but I think we can all agree she needed a full makeover.

Zachary: "Screw you, Uncle Javier!"

Javier: "Kid, there is plenty of other food to eat. You don't need to interrupt my special time with Mrs. Microwave just for a damn hot dog!" 

Javier, quit molesting the appliances. 

Emilie: "Oh, God. Please don't tell me --"

"...fuck." 

I mean, you are family-oriented and roll wants for babies all the time.

"I also roll wants for meals but it doesn't mean I want to make them. I want Adam to make them." 

"Grr, the KING does not approve of your appropriated fiefdom, serf peasant!" 

Zina: "Your kingly butt is gonna get a foot-full if you don't piss off!" 

I allow Javier to have robot hobbies, so he doesn't go berserk and kill the whole family.

Javier: "I'm not a Sims 2 Servo and I'm offended that you would think I was such shoddy botwork." 

Well, pardon me, your rustiness.

Uh...you sure this is a masterpiece? It's utterly lacking detail and a face.

Adam: "Talk to the smiley on my ass because my face is not talking to you anymore." 

You know what time it is. 

Vincent is a Diva. 

Vincent: "*derp eyes* Looking for fuck to give...none found."

His brother, meanwhile, becomes Emo. 

Zachary: "OH MY GOD, MY BROTHERS ARE DORKS!" 

Zina: "Coming from King of the Dorks from Dorkatopia." 

Xavier: "Man, why do you guys have to be so mean? *over-emotional sob*"

We're not done. Another baby to cake.

Wade: "I don't do derp eyes because I am sophisticated."

You're an anklebiter who shits in a diaper. 

Adam gets a Mood Mobile. The perfect suburban Dad car. 

 He also tops up his Writing skill.

So I build a school so the kids aren't uneducated troglodytes, like people in government. 

Adam: "I heard that!" 

Zina's accusing Javier of being a Diva. Excuse you, princess, that's some major projection!

Javier: "Eh, they're all Adam's kids. Some brattiness is expected." 

Zina: "I hear you talking about me, Snarky Narrator." 

It's kind of my thing, Zina. Don't take it personally.

Z twins, Vincent, and Xavier: "Why are we all at the goofy weather rock at the Cineplex?"

Adam: "Because we're all gonna have a fun fatherly-bonding outing." 

Xavier: "Ugh, this is already embarrassing." 

Adam: "Well, fudge. The next matinee isn't till 5, so I guess we'll just tour the theatre."

Zina: "...are you sure we weren't adopted?"

Zina: "This doesn't seem safe, Dad. Can't we just go home?"

Adam: "NO. HAVE FUN ON THE BEACH OR YOU'RE GROUNDED." 

Zina: "Woo. I'm having a blast. Totally not scared of riptide or piranhas. If you catch me with that fishhook, I'm drowning you, Xav." 

Zachary: "Oh boy, I love totally unsupervised windsurfing with no lifeguard present!" 

Emilie: "SO FUN THAT YOU'RE HAVING A GOOD TIME. MEANWHILE, I'M GETTING RIPPED OPEN FOR ANOTHER DAMN CHILD"

Welcome baby Tina! That's six kids for those counting.

Hmm...Tina might be an Emilie clone. 

"Then she is the most beautiful baby ever!" 

Xavier: "For God's sake. Give the king shit a rest, Zach." 

Zachary: "Guards! Send this blighter to the brink!" 

Emilie: "I JUST WANTED AN INVIGORIATING DRAFT" 

Oops. 

Well, at least you match your outfit.

"*angry ribbiting*"

Emilie: "Um, honey? Do you think you could give me a toad kiss to cure me?" 

Adam: "Dear, if you wanted to try it froggy style, you could have just told me." 

"ADAM"

Adam: "One minute, let me imagine you as a lusty Argonian maid..."

Emilie: "What the fuck." 

Emilie: "Thanks, babe. That was toad-tally weird." 

Adam: "That's a horrible pun. Though I wish you kept that long, sticky tongue..."

Emilie: "Not in the kids' room, sweetie..." 

Ladies...the man has a wife and six kids. He has no time for extramarital affairs.

Adam: "I am a reformed man! And I am tired of this shit and going to bed." 

Uh oh. 

Adam: "This bed feels very ground-like and foggy for some reason." 

Adam: "Oh, hell."

The Demon: "Correct. Just checking how your progress is getting along."

Adam: "I haven't done anything wrong. I have a wife and six kids. I even have a dog and a robot friend!" 

Adam: "Wait, who the hell is that?"

Is that--?

Is that ME?!?

Sim!Me: "Ugh, I shouldn't be falling asleep on the couch. There's where the cats lick their butt. Wait, what the--? Where am I?!" 

*back-breaking yawn* 

Very classy, me. 

The Demon: "Greetings, Snarky Narrator. You've handled the transition to Sim Form quite splendidly."

Sim!Me: "Why am I in hell? I don't believe in hell."

The Demon: "Let's just say I need an agent in the field, literally and metaphysically." 

Adam: "So YOU'RE the one making me go through this shit!"

Sim!Me: "Gah, fuck, I hate confrontation!" 

Adam: "WHY DO I NEED TO HAVE TEN CHILDREN?! THE HOUSE IS PLUMB FULL AND I'M ALWAYS FUCKING CLEANING AND COOKIING!!!"

"Geesh, it's the Sims! It's what you DO! It's the point of the game!" 

The Demon: "*giggling* Oh dear, as much I hate to break up a fight, we do have further business to attend to."

"That business involves the fact that you live in Purgatory. Meaning...that you're doomed to suffer...forever."

Adam: "...I don't like where this is going." 

Sim!Me: "*yawn* Sorry. But I'm still wiped from the transition. Can I possibly be sent away from this hellworld so you two can chat?

Hello?

Are you even listening to me anymore?" 

The Demon: "Time to join the league of the immortal." 

Adam: "Don't you even dare!" 

The Demon: "TAKE YOUR BEATING LIKE A MAN, BITCH"

The Demon: "*loud, sickening crunch*" 

Adam: "AHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!" 

Meanwhile, back at the house...

The dog is being dumb again.

Mcdogald: "Cae sumon feed meh?!" 

I think the dog needs a seeing-eye dog. 

Mcdogald: "Do any o' yous smell blud? am I going insane?!" 

Probably.

Emilie: "Where the hell did Adam go? I thought he just went to take a nap and it's like he's vanished!" 

Mcdogald: "Mehbe he finally took the rubbish oot and got lost." 

Tina had a birthday. Without cake, because I'm great at this game.

Hmmm...are her eyes gray or blue? I think it might be the stupid Full Moon lighting effects. 

Zachary grew up.

Indifferent study habits apparently lead to proficient fishing. 

It's also Zina's birthday, if her damn IF would let her. 

Peanut: "No, you must stay little and small! The world is too much for you!"

Zina: "Oh my God, bugger off and give me space!" 

Zina: "I'm freaking ecstatic!" 

Apparently, I forgot to get an after birthday picture, but you'll see her around.

Though trying to make her over in CAS revealed she has a foot abnormality?

Whaaaaaaat...is with your damn foot?! Okay, that's freaky.

Speaking of freaky...

Adam: "Man, that was a weird dream. Yet...why...why does my throat feel...raw with hunger?" 

Adam: "Oh no. Oh, no no no no..." 

I'm afraid so. 

"Yep, those are fangs. That leads me to a startling conclusion." 

"The Simocrat Satantic Kabal turned me into a vampire!" 

Are you serious?!?!

For the last photo of the chapter, it's me, moved into the town in my own mansion.

Sim!Me: "I'm gonna adopt so many cats." 

Of course, you are, crazy cat lady. And that's not an insult, it's my dream, thank you very much!

Next time: Confessions, more children, and maybe choosing an heir? Stay tuned!