WARNING. THIS STORY HAS SWEARS. IF YOU HATE SWEARING, RUN AWAY FROM THIS STORY SCREAMING THAT THE BAD WORDS WILL GET YOU.
Additionally, if you're not fond of the political undertones in the story...I don't care. Go away, then.
MELARKY WINS BRIDGEPORT MAYORAL ELECTION
"In a stunning blow to Simocrats, Adam Melarky secures enough votes to become Mayor of Bridgeport. His widely unpopular policies among Sims has still garnered favor with a majority of citizens. Indeed, his recent announcement of his Get Off My Lawn Bill would ban children from playing outside within 10 feet of any residential property. His other bill, More Babies For the Mines, would force female Sims to produce 10 children or face hefty legal penalties."
"Yes, I am thrilled tonight! You have all shown Simerica that you love babies! I just want to kiss all the babies now, but they haven't been made yet! Better get right on that! Hahaha!"
Mary Melarky: "Yep, I'm gonna have to castrate him, aren't I? *sigh* Dad was right. Simpublicans are nothing but hypocrites. He doesn't even acknowledge his kids half the time and the only time he's home, he expects hanky-panky after I just had my latest liposuction. There's no more babies coming from this 1 million dollar insured body."
"Of course, I couldn't have done this without my beautiful wife, Mary! We have four beautiful children at home and I can't wait to share this news with them!"
"We only have three children, you dolt. Unless he's talking about that slut who fetches his dry cleaning. No child deserves that windbag for a mother."
Beatrice: "Oh, I wish we could make our beautiful fling public. People judge a man too much for his extramarital affairs. The more mistresses, the more babies! Speaking of which, I hope the nanny didn't leave little Stevie on the balcony again..."
After the speech...
Adam: "YOU! Down here gulping down beers like a damn race horse! You act like such a diva in public!"
Mary: "ME?! You're the one yelling at your wife in front of everyone! Oh, why the hell did I ever marry you?! I could have been a Simboy Bunny! Or Miss Simerica!
...well, it's good to know you won't be a problem for much longer."
"What the faaac das tha'meh?"
*speech slurring, drooling, constricting windpipe*
*contractures of the hands making his wrists snap*
"Duhhhh...I don't feel so good sh'all da suddin...I thank am gonna pash out!"
"Honey? C'n yo ca'fer am amberlamch?"
Mary: "Damn, I thought that poison was defective for a minute. Hmm, I wonder if that vampire is loaded...wait, wait, I need to cry for the cameras first. Let's not get distracted now..."
*THUNK*
Adam: *is ded*
Mary: *is delightfully widowed and fake crying hysterically for the Bridgeport Nightly News offscreen*
Somewhere in limbo...
Adam: "W-what? Where am I? Mary?"
Mysterious Voice: "Oh, dear. It's not every day Grimmy sends a soul straight to me. I didn't know it was my birthday."
"Alright, very nice prank. Louis? Are you and your freaky little friends playing tricks? The last time y'all did this, I didn't get the cleaning deposit back! I knew I should have sent you to military school!"
"Wait, who are you? Where'd the town hall go? I had strippers coming at 5!"
"My name is far too long for mortal Sims to pronounce, so I just go by The Demon. As for the location, let's just say the sun doesn't reach here."
"Uh...huh...*to himself* did Mary sneak quaaludes into my morning Four Loko again?"
The Demon: "Enough of your mouth! Let's get down to brass tax, shrimp. You're dead. You would have been sent to the afterlife, but Grim found your soul so black with sin, he sent you to me especially. And you really have to fuck up to get that treatment."
"Wait a damn minute! I was born with the Evil trait! What did everyone expect?!?"
"Well, your mother didn't expect to you to be a hellion child. Your teachers didn't expect you to amount to much. And your wife and kids don't expect much of a father who's hardly ever home. Not to mention you write up inhumane laws that benefit no one but your own interests."
"Also, MANDATORY 10 KIDS?!? What do you think we have between our legs, clown cars?!?"
Adam: "God, I hate when women are dramatic. Does this rage have a point?"
*THUNK*
The Demon: "Jump in the fucking well. I sentence you to a Legacy Challenge. 10 Generations, 10 heirs and spares each. Let's see how you like it when you have no mistresses in the Bahamas or private trips to Landgrabb's Island to escape to, bitch."
"You really think I'm gonna jump in a black pool of water with no discernible bottom while having the K-Hole trip of a century? No, thanks."
The Demon: "Okay. Dying by acid bath it is, then. You'll be dangled over a boiling font of hydrochloric acid and dipped into it excruciatingly slowly, your manhood getting corroded off first."
Adam: "Hmmm...why do I feel like my choices aren't gonna matter much now? Are you there, malevolent god?! Can't face me yourself?!"
The Demon: "You're a sharp one, I'll give you that. Now get in the damn well."
Adam: "Wait, this isn't just a cauldron of boiling water, is it? You're not gonna make soup out of me, are you?"
The Demon: "I will drown you if you don't jump in the next five seconds."
*SPLASH*
And so the Melarky Legacy commenced when the Pool of Deliverance transported Adam to his fate.
The Demon: "You're on, Snarky Narrator. Oh, and tell Grim he still owes me a Plasma Jane."
Will do.
Adam: "Blub blub bubble blub blub"
Are you swimming or farting in there? Hurry up, I ain't got all day.
Adam: "*GASP* Despite the smiley over my head, it's not at all a good experience to regain lung function when you're submerged under hell water."
Sup, new meat. I'm the Snarky Narrator and you're my bitch now.
Adam: "...I should have chosen boiling acid."
Here's your starter house.
Adam: "What the hell? It has no windows! And it's smaller than my bedroom in my old mansion!"
The time of luxury and extravagance has ended, sweaty. You're a legacy founder now.
Meager beginnings. Just the basics. I got him the Scribble Pad (technology-less alternative to Writing) and a Sketchpad for Painting. There's also a chess table.
"Where's my 500 ft swimming pool and naked maids?"
In your dreams.
"Well, that's no matter. I'll just climb up the Political ladder once more and become Mayor of...where ever this is."
Purgatorio.
It's completely empty.
Congratulations! You have to earn neighbors and rabbitholes by appeasing me. That's done by achieving money milestones (like 5k, 10k, 15k, etc), maxing skills, reaching top of careers (when you've earned the rabbitholes, that is), completed LTWs, and had enough children for a generation. It's like a dumbed-down Build a City challenge.
Adam: "I change my mind. Boil me to death, please."
No takesie backsies. I'm holding the puppet strings now.
Adam: "How am I going to raise ten kids without a wife and nannies?"
You'll find a wife. But you'll actually have to be a parent.
These are his stats. All in all, traits befitting a typical incel Simpublican.
Adam: "Ugh, this is servant's work. Women's work!"
I'm seeing why your wife detested you.
Adam: "Speaking of wife, I'll need a woman to clean the house, cook food, clean the floors, and have all my children. Preferably without gaining 200 lbs or becoming an alcoholic."
Did you not hear the part about "earning" your amenities? You're not getting a wife until I feel you deserve to have a wife. And you are rolling snake eyes, my brother in Sims Jesus.
Adam: "WHINE"
Though another problem could be that this game likes to randomize some...questionable-looking sims.
Adam: "You...are as colorful as a rare bird!"
Weird Tourist: "Why, zank you, Monsieur! I vant to stand out among zee rest!"
Adam then played tag with her, and she was mysteriously Error Trapped back in France. Guess she sensed Adam was a legacy sim.
Adam: "She was ugly and looked like she did her makeup with a trowel, anyway."
Repeat after me, Adam: Inside thoughts don't need to become outside words.
'Course, with no lots other than Adam's, the raccoon becomes a nuisance.
"*to the tune of Despacito* El Bandito, when it comes to garbage, I am un experto, when I find treasure, I am muy contento, when I knock over bins, I am muy travieso!"
You're about to be muy muerto if you don't escaparse.
Adam: "I am fiiiiishing in the rain...this Narrator is a paaaain!"
He gets started writing books.
There's no library and bookstore in town, how are you going to get that message across?
Adam: "No, no, no, it's a story about a man who's trapped in a video game...totally fictional."
No lots also mean the horses congregate here and have...I don't know, horse meetings?
Brown Horse: "You need to meet your galloping quota on time."
Gray Horse: "Goshdarnit, these quotas are killing me! Starting to feel like a...workhorse! *neighing laughter*"
Brown Horse: "Neeeeeigh! Oh, your jokes are so bad!"
Horse Legs: "I don't like these quotas either, guys!"
Brown Horse: "Shut up, Jerry, no one likes you!"
Adam: "Hello, pretty bird! Will you be my friend?"
Sure...for 10 seconds. *sells bird*
Adam: "😟"
Adam: "Who is this? Oh, Veronique! The girl with the crazy eyeshadow! Yes, I'd love to go to Paris. Hell, I'd go to Timbuktu if I could get out of here. I don't suppose there's a package to get there by water well, by chance? Hello? Hello?"
Snorkeling's a skill I hardly ever bother with. Mostly because it involves building deep ocean lots, which can be a pain in the ass. Also, Adam might to try to drown himself.
"I reckon I could kick the Kraken's ass."
Uh huh.
Adam: "SOMEONE PISSED IN MY PANTS! IT'S THE GNOMES! IT'S ALWAYS THE GNOMES!"
We don't even have any gnomes yet. Just admit you pissed yourself.
"I WILL NOT! THE SIMOCRATS DID THIS!"
Oi vey.
"*tune of Wake Me Up Till September ends*
I'm all alone again...
I can't find a good woman...
Tell me when I can get laid again."
You have a one track mind, don't you?
Oh, great. Now the raccoon's joining the horse mob.
Raccoon: "Who you tryin' to get crazy with, ese? Don't you know I'm loco?"
Brown Horse: "Puta, please. We can turn you into a ghost with one stomp."
Oh, good gravy. The tourists are fusing into each other.
Tourist Amalgamation: "W E A R E L E G I O N"
There, that's bit more reasonable.
Wait, hold the fuck on...
Holy shit, dude. Do you even have eyelids?
"I saw my grandma naked at 12-years-old and ain't be right in the head since."
Horse: "Neeeeigh! Look at me! I are a dog! Please pet my belly!"
No, thanks, I'd rather not have my organs kicked out of my body.
...one of your favorite maids was named The Laundry?
Adam: "It was her code name. Whenever my wife called in on my business trips, I just told her I was too busying doing The Laundry to talk to her. Clever, huh?"
Did you...actually do the laundry at the house? Did you wash any clothes?
"No, why would I do servant stuff like that?"
😑
Adam wanted a fish. So here's is Derick the Minnow. I'm sure he's overjoyed at his surroundings being reduced to a tiny bowl and not an expansive lake.
Adam: "It's a metaphor for how peasants should be glad to be wage slaves serving their bureaucratic betters!"
I wish there was an orca in the game to eat you.
What the hell is this, the Ice Cream Truck Parade?
Can you imagine an entire parade of ice cream truck music playing in cacophonous, off-beat wails? I think I just created a new version of hell.
Adam picks up gems, seeds, and metals to sell.
"Man, finding gems is easy. I don't know why people complain about blood diamonds."
Someday, I hope to Sim Jesus you'll learn humility.
"The Simocrats used their body control devices to piss my pants again."
Have you ever considered the fact that you just have the bladder the size of a raisin? And a brain smoother than baby skin?
We hit 5k! New rabbithole and house time!
Decided just to place them in the order they appear in the Community tab in Build Mode. Here's the Movie Theater!
And here's a tiny house! It's actually three stories and two basements.
And seconds later, our first neighbors move in!
The house is not for you, horse mob!
"Then build us a damn barn!"
I will flat out delete you in Nrass.
I send Adam over to be neighborly and introduce himself and what does he do not five seconds later? Hits on June in front of her husband and kids.
Though, apparently June accepted the flirt?
June: "Why, your brazen demeanor makes me all hot and bothered!"
Blue Hoodie: "Did I seriously just get cucked by some moron in a green suit jacket?"
'Fraid so.
Adam: "Wow, your wife is a smokin' hot piece of ass. Sorry for encroaching on your territory though."
Earnest: "Get out of my house before I turn you into compost for my garden."
We only have one other neighbor, but we have a burglar?
"I live in the sewers with a weird clown!"
He makes off with the new computer because this cop is a dumbass.
Cop: "Hey, there's no police station yet. I've been watching some Tae Bo though, so watch your ass next time, you whippersnapper."
Burglar: "Lol, get fucked, pig."
Nice pornstache and Dahmer glasses. Sure you didn't just buy your outfit at a costume shop?
"I am single-handedly ending all crime."
After one snorkeling session, Adam finds our first gnome!
Aww, look at the little guy! He has a little scuba suit! I'm gonna name all our gnomes after states. This one is Alabama.
Adam, what the hell is this?
"They're chocolate pancakes....just a bit more...dark chocolate than I wanted them to be."
Pretty sure it's black mold.
Sometimes Adam will excuse himself to the bathroom to make fingerguns to himself in the mirror.
Adam: "Well, aren't you a handsome son of a gun!"
I improve the house some with some decorations, buying a kitchen table and a pull-up bar.
I also give him a Sculptor thingy and placed the gem cutter outside.
Oh for FUCK'S SAKE
Burglar: "I'm baaaaaack! Ooh, you have some new stuff! Gimme the loot! Gimme the loot!"
Burglar: "OH FIDDLESTICKS!"
Pornstache Cop: "We meet again, young whippersnapper! I'll give you a lick you'll never forget!"
Burglar: "EW! You keep your tongue to yourself, Reno 911 ripoff!"
He failed AGAIN. Adam finds this funny for some reason.
Pornstache: "Aww, now I'll never be on COPS."
Adam: "I'll build up my strength to take on the burglar myself!"
Well, while you do that, that's a good point to stop the chapter. Turn in next time to see more legacy living, meeting of potential spouses, and maybe finally some babies?
"...don't suppose you might some access to, uh, some performance-increasing drugs?"
Depends on whether you think arsenic is performance-increasing.
"Never mind."
