Welcome back to the Melarky Legacy, where founder, Adam Melarky, sculpts shitty art that would make Michaelangelo cry.
"Isn't that one of the Mutant Ninja Turtles?"
He eventually gets better.
"Yay! Hand me my big check, Money Jesus!"
Yes, all 86 bucks. Don't you go spending that all in one place now.
"Awwww, thought I found my niche and would never have to work again."
YOU DON'T WORK. YOU COLLECT SHIT, WRITE, AND MAKE SCULTPURES. YOU LIVE THE DREAM, BITCH. BE HAPPY ABOUT IT.
Am I taking out my personal grudges on a fake pixelated doll man? Maybe.
Adam: "I'm gonna choose to ignore all of that and believe that I am an unsung hero of the patron arts!"
OH NO. Derick the fish died.
Shhhh, he doesn't need to know.
Adam: "Oh, Derick...you've turned orange. Is that normal?"
Yes, perfectly normal. He's just, um, going through puberty.
Adam pranked his own computer.
...why? You don't live with anyone else.
"Quit reminding me how alone I am! *sob*"
Oh dear.
Sometimes I'll find him making the creepiest faces.
What are you planning?
"Nothing. Just taking a normal piss."
Huh. In all my years playing this game, I don't think I ever saw this option for a gem cut.
Ooooh, it looks like a dragon egg. I do have Dragon Valley, but no way in hell am I letting Adam anywhere near a dragon.
Another milestone!
We now have a science center.
Adam: "Pfft, why would we need science? I want the City Hall, dammit!"
Tough titties.
He wrote a Best Seller. They really just let anyone publish, huh?
Adam: "Hell yes, I did. I am the goodest at writing."
Uh huh.
"Also, cabbies smell like they've never bathed in their life."
You know I could have you homeless in a matter of minutes, right?
He gets to work on his poetry book, which he names --
Adam.
"I admire her form from afar...she makes my pants tight and my jaw slack ajar."
😑
FFS
It's the same damn burglar.
And the same useless pornstaccio'd cop.
Pornstache: "Third times a charm, buckeroo! Prepare to have your bottom kicked!"
Well, golly gee. He actually manages it!
"I knew those steroids would come in handy!"
"This is a song that means quite a lot to me...really spoke to me in moments of duress...ahem...
ASS, TITTIES, ASS N TITTIES
ASS, TITTIES, ASS N TITTIES"
I'm gonna take that guitar away from you.
"Look, Derick! I carved a statue inspired by you!"
...I shouldn't be allowed to name things.
We meet the new neighbors who are unimpressed with Adam's unsolicited flirting for obvious reasons.
Adam: "Can I least watch?"
Sorry, ladies. I shouldn't have let him off the leash.
Woooo! He topped a skill! Didn't think he had it in him!
Just know for every rabbithole I build, I place another house like the others. This is the military base, obviously.
Then I figured if we're gonna find a spouse, we need to make some friends. And no better ways to make friends than being forced to work with people!
G'awww...you look cute when you're playing soldier.
Adam: "I better get some bitches out of this."
Maybe quit calling them bitches.
Ooh, new alien neighbors.
Adam: "Tyler Vaginavoo? Man, these foreigners have some weird names."
Get back to scrubbing latrines, you racist.
Hmm, against my better judgement, we'll go to this party, I guess.
Adam, you better behave yourself.
Uh oh. I already sense trouble. June is here.
June: "Hey, handsome soldier, I didn't know you were invited."
Apparently, June just hits on everyone.
June: "Well, things are getting so wet in here, I might need an umbrella."
Madonna Winters (tie-dye): "Um. Not all lesbians are swingers, lady. This is very inappropriate."
That didn't stop June and Adam from flirting with each other though. *headdesk*
Benny (June's son): "Dude. You need to quit hitting on my mom."
Adam: "I can't help it that she reciprocates, son."
Benny: "DON'T CALL ME SON!"
...
*pops popcorn*
Benny: "YOU LOOK LIKE AN ABSOLUTE DWEEB IN YOUR FANCY DRESS! YOU THINK YOU'RE BETTER THAN US???"
I think the rage might have given Benny a stroke.
Adam: "Why am I being lectured by this Deliverance hillbilly? Your mom is her own woman. And she is a good-looking woman."
JERRY JERRY JERRY JERRY
Man, how do I change Nrass Dresser settings so it doesn't spawn these makeup choices?
Adam: "Seriously, a paper bag is better than your attempts of contouring."
No one asked you.
Benny: "GAH THE TV IS BROKEN!! I'M GONNA PUNCH SOMETHING!"
Adam: "911? I think we need a wellness check on this young man."
June's daughter: "Reading my book, ignoring the traumatic state of my mom's overabundant love life..."
NOOOOOOO
REALLY?
WHO WOULD HAVE GUESSED?
Benny: "LOL MY MOM'S A HO"
These poor kids.
Even her shirt is inappropriate!
Adam: "You can melt my popsickle anytime, baby."
Why does Adam want to send a text to her other son?
Adam: "Just want to tell him as I well I want to pork his mom."
This guy is literally the 12-year-old from CS:GO voice chat threatening to fuck your mom. Only he could actually do it. BUT I'M NOT LETTING HIM.
It's probably not good that you're letting your extramarital affairs affect your relationship with your kids.
Adam: "Mmm...ice boobies."
I'm gonna have you neutered.
Here is your punishment, a shittier pick up truck. People will laugh at you.
Then we proceed to be stalked by June. She even sends Adam a BUSH as a gift.
YOU ARE NOT SUBTLE.
I should have screenshotted the few dozen reports of her getting back together and breaking up with her husband just to hone in how pathetic this is.
Be honest - would you swipe right or left on this profile?
Adam: "This is one sick power play. I approve."
Shut up.
Guess who else is on the dating app. And no one knows how to do makeup!
One day, I see this old guy on our lot.
"Anybody got a treat tae spare? A'm an old dog wi no much time left."
"A'll eat yer paper an shit it oot on yer porch!"
I like him.
I add him to the family and age him down to an adult. His name is Mcdogald. I thought he was a Scottish Terrier at first, but I think he's actually a Schnauzer. Scottish is funnier though.
"A'll chew on yer heart an yer shoes!"
"Aye, bleedin' hell, where'd tae baw go?"
Huh. I didn't know balls could do that.
"Ook, whit's thon thing? The Overly Happy Lake Monster?"
Raccoon: "You came to the wrong barrio, ese."
Wait, what? Adam is Athletic though. Apparently the game thinks the slightest bit of fat is "More to Love". Too close to real life, game.
OMG JUNE
You have WAY too much baggage! STOP IT.
Adam: "Well, who am I to deny her if she wants the Melarky Meat!"
NO
Adam: "Guard the house, Mcdogald!"
Mcdogald: "Aye. I will guard tha moost important thon in hoose, ma food bow."
Adam...you have a truck. Why are you taking the carpool?
"Please, I ain't taking that Geekmobile."
You never got your driver's license in your past life, did you? Because you had drivers. You privileged shit.
"NO, I JUST CHOOSE NOT TO DRIVE, THANK YOU VERY MUCH."
Oh, he actually did something useful! Well done!
Oooh, who is this?
Well, I thought it would be a potential spouse, but I was a dumbass and accidentally Ctrl Clicked her portrait and she disappeared. We couldn't even directly call her anyway.
Horse Protestors: "BOOO! Down with houses! Living outside is superior! NEEEEEEEIGH"
OMG SHUT UP
The best way to become friends with pets is to walk them.
Adam: "Yeah, sure, I'll walk a dog after 12 hours of scrubbing toilets all day."
Welcome to the workforce, Prole Slave.
"Big Brother's a bitch."
Fawn here seemed an appropriate choice, until I saw she was 8 days from becoming an elder. You know, Sims legacies aren't very feminist if you think about it...
Adam: "Ugh, feminists--"
Nope, your opinion on that is still not wanted.
Adam, why do you fail so much?
"What? It's a gem at least!"
I don't think he's completed one stone sculpture.
Met another milestone, but I'll wait until 20k to build stuff.
Well, look at you, getting promotions!
And look at June, still hoeing around. FUCK OFF
How many frickin' times have you divorced and remarried???? Just move on, dude!
Adam: "So I want you to start finding some shiny rocks, alright?"
Mcdogald: "A already left some 'sheeny rocks' in yer shoes, idjit!"
Nah, they're actually best friends.
Ooh, some good stuff. I have a tendency to abuse Tiberium because you can leave the cut gems and gem dust on the ground and they'll become large spires that sell for 35k to 40k. I only sold a little spire gem for 6500.
We hit our 20k milestone and build a hospital! Which I eventually realized was also a science lab and I had go back and fix it.
And here's a dive bar. I was watching a stream on Twitch and I asked the chat what a good name for a bar was and they suggested "The Bottle in Front Of Me".
Adam, some new neighbors moved in. We're gonna go say hello.
I need you not to flirt with anyone. Got it?
Adam: "What do you expect from a FLIRTY sim?"
...that's a good point.
Oh, wow. Adam's just talking jovially with this sim. That's...surprising
He even got along with the teenagers!
My goodness! Is Adam learning some tact?
*talking to himself with hand puppets*
"*high girlish voice* Well, of course, Mayor Melarky, I'd be happy to sharpen your pencil. Oops! I'm afraid I've dropped by stapler! *regular voice* Oh, honey, go ahead and bend over to pick it up. I would want you to hurt those cute feet on some staples now. Now, come here and be my little teddy bear."
*backs away slowly*
Uh, what does that headline mean? You're out of...leaf juice?
"NONE OF THIS IS ECOLOGICALLY SUSTAINABLE!"
He might be going insane.
Ewwwwww, that's not sanitary!
Mcdogald: Tis good vintage!
God, I hope Adam flushed first.
"Hello, there! Would you like a shittier job with less pay?"
Because you know, Military careers are just like STEM careers, only without, you know, the degrees required.
"FOOK THIS CHER, I'LL TURN YA TO FIRAWOOD!"
You have loads of chew toys! Stop it!
Invited over this sim to see if Adam and her were compatible, but she couldn't seem to figure out the door.
"Huuuh, how doorknobs work? How get in house?"
She's also nearly an Elder! I know I take forever to get spouses, game, but come on!
We got to the bar I built.
Adam: "Eesh. Lay off the Twinkies and you could probably be working secretary jobs, toots."
Bartender: "You know I'm the one handling your drinks, right? Maybe you should keep your thoughts in that gormless, thick skull before I Shamu you into the flagstone."
Adam: "Sheesh, can't take a little constructive criticism, can you women?!"
So much for thinking he was growing as a person.
Ah, she's married, too. Goddamnit.
Also, Adam hates her for some reason.
"Look at her, showing her body off like she owns it or something!"
Okay, time for Ickle Baby Incel to go beddy-byes before I drown him in concrete.
We got a few friends from Military, let's try to scope how some potential spouses at the science lab.
SHIT, Derick 2 died!
I'm so original.
And now June's trying to homewreck other people's marriage. In the Nrass Story Progression mod, she's the town Bicycle.
GASP It's a sim called Cherie Pie! Quick, Adamn, invite her over!
That's...quite a big schnoz for such a small face, I've got to say.
Cherie: "Rude!"
Also, she's a handful of days away from Elderification. So, boo.
Right, time for my last resort. Time to find us a mail order bride the perfect spouse!
"I ask the gods of the world,
To bestow a true love unto me.
May she be wicked, may she be clean,
And have stonking great titties."
😑
Emilie arrives with hideous puke green hair and unmatching jewelry.
Emilie: "Oh, fuck a duck. You're one of them legacy narrators, aren't you?"
Adam: "Hello, future wife! I can't wait to fornicate with you! Um...wife?"
Then Emilie dissociated froze and Adam couldn't interact with her until I reset her and called her back.
She cleans up well after a makeover.
Adam: "So, what do you want to name our 10 children? I was thinking we go with tree names.
Emilie: "If they're coming out of my body, I'm gonna name them whatever the fuck I want."
A courtship ensued.
Then Adam smashed his nose into Emilie's for a kiss.
Doesn't Emilie look thrilled.
Emilie: "I'm dead inside. 😊"
Jokes aside, they do mutually like each other. Don't apply too much real life to the Sims because it will just make you sad.
Emilie: "That should totally turn me off, but your dorkiness is really enthralling!"
Adam: "Liftoff! We have liftoff!"
Emilie: "Oh yeah, put thrusters on full power!"
How...romantic?
Emilie: "By the way, I really hate that chewed up chair."
She does the dopey Stride of Pride after getting laid.
Emilie: "Mama finally got some boo-ty, some boo-ty, some boo-ty!"
Then they wanted to go to sleep, but Mcdogald just had to sleep on the bed that still smells of sex and sweat. Ew!
Mcdogald: "They can do ther nekkid wrestlin' somewher other thon ma bed!"
THAT'S NOT YOUR BED
Adam quits his job because his spouse hunt is over. He needs the time to provide and care for the multitude of children on the way.
I don't know about you, but I wouldn't trust a man with a scary face like that to give me a massage...
Geez, he even looks smarmy while proposing.
"Be my lover, my maid. my helpmeet, sweet darling! I shall fertilize your fruitful womb and we will have an army of souls for Sim Jesus!"
Emilie: "I will if you promise never to say that ever again."
Adam: "Deal."
I was thinking of throwing a party, but knowing the disastrous drama of Adam's neighbors, they just had a private wedding. They wanted to celebrate with WooHoo...
...but they got cockblocked by a dog!
MCDOGALD, YOUR DOG HOUSE IS ON THE LAWN
"Fook yer nuptials, I need sum shut-eye!"
Emilie's stats, for those curious. Her LTW is to be an Alchemy Artisan.
Since they Woohooed in spring, this type of gnome appears. So, he's a pervy gnome. I name him Arkansas.
I prepare the house for babies, actually giving the parents a proper bedroom and replacing their old corner with a living room.
Since we're gonna need all hands on deck for ten children, I decide to invest Adam's LTW points into a Simbot. This is Javier.
Javier: "Greetings, new best friend. I am excited to meet your acquaintance."
He promptly goes on the hunt for scrap in neighbor's trash.
Raccoon: "Senor Roboto, you are on my terf, ese. El Bandito will not forget this."
His presence alarms the neighbors. One neighbor starts, um, doing whatever she's doing.
"Hmm, I always wondered if these Simbots had 'working parts', if you know what I mean."
Javier: "Unless you are part microwave, I am not interested, human female."
Oh, no. June's influence has definitely rubbed off on her daughter.
June's daughter (can't remember her name): "He can certainly rub me--"
COME ALONG, JAVIER, LET'S GO
Javier kep rolling wants to become a lifeguard and I thought this was a strange want for a Simbot.
That's when I realized his LTW is TO BE A SUCCESSFUL LIFEGUARD.
A SIMBOT who HATES WATER...wants to be a LIFEGUARD.
"I must save those in peril by the dangers of dihydrogen monoxide!"
It kind of...makes sense in a way? But it would still be impossible unless I got a mod.
We're strapped for cash right now, so Javier only gets a rocking chair to recharge. I didn't know how fast Sims gained energy in rocking chairs until recently. It's appropriate since he'll be taking care of the kids.
Speaking of kids...
Emilie: "My eggo is preggo, bitches."
And she actually has sensible maternity wear.
Spontaneous alien abductions aren't sensible though.
Luckily, it wasn't Adam.
Emilie: "I swear to Sim Jesus, if you switched my baby with one of your freaky abominations, I'm gonna raise it to hate its own kind and send it back to destroy you!"
"Human female experiment failed. Already pregnant with her own apelike species. Return to base."
Y'all don't need to show every time the dog digs up a damn space rock.
Emilie, I got that chair for Javier. You have a perfectly expensive af bed to sleep in.
"The rocking is so soothing though."
Emilie: "Ugh, my back is sore, my feet are ginormous. I'm not sure I want to do this 10 times."
Don't worry, I gave Adam the fertility treatment LTR. Hopefully, we'll have some multiples!
"Oh, yeah, more babies ripping their way out of my body! Thanks, you fucking bitch!"
You're welcome!
Adam: "Ah, look at my beautiful wife carrying my child. She is glowing in her feminity and fertility."
Emilie: "God, I wish that alien knocked you so you can feel like you're carrying a bowling ball in your stomach! This is your fault!"
At least give her a back massage.
Pervert Gnome Arkansas: "Oh yeaaah, robodaddy. Show me where you piss from."
Javier: "DOES NOT COMPUTE. ERROR 404."
Think you broke him with your creepiness.
"NEVER MIND THE DAMN ROBOT, MY UTERUS FEELS LIKE A BALLOON ABOUT TO BURST!"
Time for Gen 2 babies!
Baby Number 1!
Baby Numero Dos!
Apparently, melanin isn't a thing in sim physiology. I sincerely hope these twins aren't clones.
Mcdogald, what the hell, man?
"I was running aboot an got lost in tae chase!"
Adam: "Hmm...I feel so different. I had children in my previous life, but we hired nannies for them. Holding my own children has made me realize that being a father is rewarding."
Javier: "Scanning meme data from 2010s. Chosen meme: Lyk dis if u cri evertime."
Way to ruin a moment, Javier.
Adam: "Time for MORE BABY MAKING!"
Javier: "Could you please not fornicate in front of your offspring?"
Examining the mail, we received wedding gifts like an entire expensive fountain.
Cherie Pie bought them a boat. The other gifts were small ones, even one from June, of course.
The first cakes of the legacy!
Alright, grow her up and let's find out if she's a clone.
"If la bebe is a clone, can my pack have her?"
Go away, raccoon!
Well, shitfuck. Zina's looking very clone-y. Were you even in the room, Emilie?
It's a kid's birthday party, there were hardly gonna be drinks and strippers!
Zachary's cloniness is even more egregious, big green eyes and all.
Then I had a look at Zina up close and realized she does have Emilie's eyes and a bit of her nose.
Emilie: "Oh good, this outfit again."
More babies!
Baby makeover!
G'aww, he's still cute, even if he might be a clone. Though I think he might have a bit of Emilie's nose, too.
Javier: "Irony deployed. Look at me, I'm doing the robot dance!"
Zina: "Nom nom, yummy slop!"
Zachary: "Feed me, woman! Chop chop!"
Emilie: "You don't talk to girls that way, no matter what your father says. He might be childish, but my children will learn respect."
Zina: "Mama, I don't like you being Evil! Shouldn't you be teaching me to love others?"
Mcdogald: "ARF ARF ARF"
"Oh no, not again!"
*over-done sound effects of ripping, squashing viscera*
And meet baby Xavier, who gives us a wink!
Baby Vincent follows.
Vincent's also lazy and an agoraphobe.
...are you sure you're Evil, Emilie?
"To establish a proper empire, respect for one's betters must established."
Zina has the Good trait though.
"Well, not all my kids will be winners, will they?"
Zina: "Mama, I don't like you being Evil! Shouldn't you be teaching me to love others?"
Zachary: "Our mom isn't Sim Jesus, you dummy."
Adam: "Damn dog, we're trying to sleep here!"
Mcdogald: "You been payin' tae much attention to yer brood! I demand walkies and baw-trowing!"
"Oh no, not again!"
Man, I fail at taking pictures of pregnancy. >w<
*over-done sound effects of ripping, squashing viscera*
Adam: "OH GOD WHAT THE FUCK, THIS IS SO GODDAMN VIOLENT"
What, have you not attended any of your previous children's births?
"NO, MARY JUST TOLD ME BY TEXT MESSAGE. I CELEBRATED BY TAKING MY SECRETARY FOR A NIGHT OUT ON THE TOWN"
Of course you did.
And meet baby Xavier, who gives us a wink!
Xavier: "My mama's butt is ringing!"
Emilie: "Damn it, what's with you kids rolling positive traits?!"
Hey, he's a couch potato, so he's lazy.
Baby Vincent follows.
I was going to name them based on the backwards alphabet, but I couldn't think of a boy name for Y. Yves? Yanni? That sounds like a woo woo hippie cult leader.
Vincent's also lazy and an agoraphobe.
Whew! That was a whirlwind of a chapter. Next time, even more birthdays, pregnancies, babies, and neighborhood drama. Stick around!
